Urgent Break Needed...

My life is made out of cycles. Not-so-random cycles of quasi-routine, built more like the seasons, than a fixed calendar.

For instance: I know when the edginess starts to hit me, that my claustrophobia that comes from living in a valley, needs the outlet of air and space. There are times when humanity itself is too overwhelming. The sheer press of human bodies in a contained space like this li'l Valley I call home is enough to make me want to lash out with my foot, in the hopes of knocking a circle around me wide enough to breathe in.

If you think this is irrational, you should hear the shit that starts to spew from my mouth when my brain literally shuts down. You know how it is, right? When you get surrounded by a wall of sound, and people, and oxygen suddenly seems lacking, you just can't focus.

That's me. And when my brain shuts down, the boundaries that keep my good manners intact disappear as well, and o...mi....GOD....!!! After the day is done, and I'm readying myself for bed, I cringe over the stupid things I said. The stupid and embarrassing things I'm so capable of saying whenever my self-restraint isn't safely in place.

I hate obligations that keep me tied down to this one space. I want to do a walkabout. Just pick up my wallet and not worry about duty, responsibility, the evil necessity of work (and thus earn money to survive and thrive)... The only thing holding me back is nothing....and everything... How do you work around something like that?

I need air right now. I need it so bad. I need to get away from people. How can I keep putting up a smiley face, when I don't have the time and space to repair the dents and cracks in that masque??? I don't want to call it a total facade, or even a farce... I enjoy being the clown. I enjoy taking life lightly.

But lets face it, even someone as monumentally shallow as me (isn't that somewhat of an oxymoron?!) can tell that life is about checks and balances. About light, and dark. About necessary opposites. And I'm telling you now, I need to indulge in my dark side because it's wearing at the part of me that's light, and fluffy.

Soon. I don't think I can hold out much longer.