Making Excuses?

Old age. That's the best one I can think of. Laziness would be the next best thing I can come up with.

I mean: I know I like "mindlessly bobbing" around to loud music. I know I enjoy good company, good friends and don't need alcohol to have fun. So...why didn't I join the gals tonight?

Simple. I can't...won't...enter That Place ever again. Ever. First time there? Fell asleep on one of the couches in the lounge upstairs. Second time there? Ended up NOT getting a chance to dance, had a friend spew his ever-loving guts all over the floor (and over my shoes), then had to cut the party short to take him home. Third time there, played bodyguard to the ladies. Ended up not having much fun, and sitting the night out by the outdoor fountain. Fourth time there? Ended up by the fountain again, spent half the night there and couldn't even enjoy the music. No thanks. Really.

No offense intended.

I've decided that if a place affects me so negatively, I'd be wiser not going. Instead of plunking down my $35 to get a drink I don't want, to sit in a place I can't stand, to listen to music I don't like, spun by a DJ I can't NOT want to punch the living daylights out of...

Am I bitching? No. I think the lack is in me. Everyone else has fun, but I can't seem to. I think I feel a lot more ancient these days. There's a word for people like me. Party Pooper. Killjoy. I'm really sorry, to all my friends out there. It's not your company that I don't enjoy. I guess it's the fact that I myself don't know what makes me happy anymore.

I guess I'd like to sit down one day, and just talk about the universe. And let the conversation build from there. I love a nice heated argument. On the hows, the whys...I love speculating on things. Myth, Logic, Wild Theories. Give me a nice open-ended argument. I could really sink my teeth into something like that.

Maybe it's because I feel that if I can justify a point, I can justify just about -anything- to myself. Call me silly. But I really enjoyed those conversations I had in the park at night, with friends. We'd smoke a pack each, watch the moon rise and set, bring up everything and anything, fight over it...move on, and feel invincible and self-righteous. All those years ago. Young, stupid, arrogant. But happy! I can't ever forget that I was happy!

I love quiet group times. When people get together and talk about themselves. About hopes, dreams. Listening to other people's inner desires really makes me feel so...content. It's like: I feel more energized..ready to take on the world even, when I understand a little bit more about what drives the people around me. How their hearts and heads conflict, and how they resolve, or deal with it. It's so...inspiring!

I've always loved the role of observer. You listen. And listen. And then the brain just starts running off, trying to think up solutions. Imagining scenarios. I like that. I like thinking of solutions. I like getting pissed off when people don't see what I see. I like yelling solutions out at the top of my lungs. It's so satisfying. Nevermind if the solution is not the correct one. So what? Using your brain to skip a few steps ahead can be really enervating.

I guess I'd really just like to take my life down some different bend. Just...I don't know. Retrace my steps, find out what fulfills me. Don't get me wrong. I've cherished each and every moment I've had with the friends I have. But people move on. And not everyone travels in the same direction. And not for long, either. I guess my direction's so wonky right now. I just want to go back to a time when I knew what was in my heart. And then I'd be able to move forward again.

Can't move forward now. I'm so stuck.

Isn't that a good thing to do though? I've always channeled myself towards the music. I've passed, failed, excelled in my exams. The Good, the Bad, the Ugly. *shrug* I'm not even very good at what I do, because I'm lazy. Although being lazy has its benefits. In a roundabout way, I find that it's helped my sight reading, and it's fantastic for improvising ;) Seriously though. I'm not happy with my music. I'm happy performing. But simply practicing isn't doing it for me. I have no drive, no ambition whatsoever in that direction. It's galling to think I've channeled myself in so futile a direction.

And that's why I need to head backwards. Backtrack. Take a deep breath, and face the fact that I've got no skill, no talent, no aptitude in what I'm currently doing. And then find out what I -CAN- do. I've been looking at it all wrong, haven't I? Yes, I think I have.

Anyway, this started out as an explanation to why I'm such a boring old stick. And degenerated to some lame sob story. Boo-hoo. Poor me. Pat, pat. There there. Bah. Lame. I'm going to GET UP. AND FIGURE IT OUT. In the meantime, I'm still apologizing for being a party pooper. Y'all know who I'm apologizing to. If you don't, then you're not the one I've wronged, are you :p

Night :)